Fear and More Kids
There is a culture of fear around having children.
If you have children or have thought about having children, one of the first questions that will come to mind is, “can I afford this?”
If you have a child and you’re thinking about another one, this same question comes to mind. Only this time it has double meaning: “Can I afford it financially” and “Do I have enough emotional and physical bandwidth to give another child the love and attention he or she requires?
In other words, there is a fear around capacity.
But, for most people reading this, there is something far greater to be afraid of. (I don’t say that to discount the truly difficult financial and emotionally unstable situations where one cannot provide a child with the basic necessities).
This past month, Katie and I found out we’re expecting our third child. And we’re overjoyed. But perhaps not for the reason you may think.
When we first found out, I noticed something curious happening within me. I wasn’t happiest for Katie. I wasn’t happiest for myself. I wasn’t happiest for my parents or in-laws who were getting another grandbaby. I was happiest for our youngest, Maggie.
When our first (Jack) was born, he was delayed physically and socially. He took a long time to crawl, to walk, to speak, to eat on his own, to do all kinds of things. We took him to speech, physical, and occupational therapy to help the little man out.
But nothing had a bigger impact, nothing accelerated his growth quite like the birth of Maggie. In the two years since she came into the world, Jack’s growth has skyrocketed. Less hovering by mom and dad, more responsibility, a constant companion, and a little competition have worked wonders. She has challenged him, stretched him, helped him become more and more selfless, humbled him, and brought him an immense amount of joy.
I cannot wait for Maggie to have a similar experience. If you spend any time with her, one of the things you will immediately notice is that she has this incredible generosity bubbling up within her. She wants to give, she wants to care for, she wants an outlet for her natural propensity to love. She is nowhere near her current capacity. And having a little sibling to take care of is going to be a tremendous gift for her.
I cannot wait to see what happens in the life of my children as they excitedly welcome another member to our family. Will there be bumps in the road? Will there be moments where the transition is difficult? When Maggie wants desperately to be picked up but can’t? Sure. But none of that will compare to the gifts this baby will bring.
As a culture, we don’t caution sex. We encourage it without limits. We do caution children, and shake our heads at the family with four or more children. We consider it insane at best and irresponsible at worst.
What we never talk about is the cost of not having more children. A few years ago I was working on a project that required me to interview about a dozen couples in their 50’s on parenting. One of the questions I asked was, “What do you regret most about your time raising kids?” The answer, across the board, was the same: “We wish we had more children.”
Their decision made sense at the time. Maybe finances were tight. Maybe their marriage was in a rocky spot. Maybe one of the kids was really demanding and they didn’t think the family could handle another baby. Whatever the reason was, at the time it was logical and made sense. But on the other side of it all, they noticed a hole in their family. A sadness. And a regret over depriving the children they do have with another one.
Look, I’m not naive. Having children is hard. It’s exhausting and it pushes the parents to the max. But, isn’t that part of the point?
Christ poured his whole life out for his family. He left nothing in the tank. He possessed himself fully so that he could give himself fully in love. As parents, it’s what we’re called to do too. We’re not supposed to leave anything in the tank. We’re not supposed to get comfortable and stay comfortable. We’re supposed to die to self so that we can fully give ourselves. No one does that more effectively than a child!
So, let’s stop talking about it like putting a cap on the number of kids you have as a no-brainer. Let’s stop talking about having more children than you think you can handle as some grave moral transgression. Let’s stop overlooking the gift more children offer to everyone involved or the regret that accompanies those who limit what they believe they can handle.
Instead, let’s turn our attention to the more important and pressing question: How do I increase my capacity for love, virtue, and trust so that I am never the obstacle to God’s vision for this family?
As Jesus once said, seek ye first the Kingdom and all these things will be given to you.
